Published: July 08, 2008 01:17 pm            

Somewhere between Mars and Venus—what I should have said was nothing

I have long said that we men really are not much. Women are unquestionably the superior gender. We certainly would not be at war now in Iraq if women were in charge.

My son, who is embarking on that stage of his life where he is thinking about a wife, recently asked me a few questions about women. With all the divorces we have, including Heather Mills’ recent award of $50 million for her marriage to Paul McCartney, it is a good subject. Heather’s settlement amounts to $1,400 an hour for her marriage, which the judge was able to easily value based on the prices Eliot Spitzer recently paid.

It occurred to me that I really do not understand women and cannot really offer any insight--- other than, unless it is a compliment, you really should not say it. And when in doubt, just do not say it. Looking back, there have been many times when what I should have said was nothing. The John Wayne “strong, silent types” remained quiet for good reason.

The only real conclusion that people who study this advise is that money is the source of most stress in relationships. Therefore, the only thing we can suggest for certain is to try to make sure she has some money and a good family since one always marries the family too. In fact, it might be a case where John McCain got it right when he married a classic beauty queen, whose family owns a beer distributorship and who is rich. This is what I have called the Southern male’s tri-fecta.

Women have long defied logic to me; perhaps that is why we men have a hard time pleasing them. For example, I know that women like garage sales and they also like lingerie. But, as I found out the hard way, they do not like lingerie bought at a garage sale.

Every lesson about women we men tend to learn over and over the hard way. It is just that we are wired differently. Among other oddities, we men can actually leave a hotel room and not make up the bed.

Like cuddling, asking for directions and listening, we men have to do unnatural things to please a woman. Or we can just become inveterate liars.

In women’s defense, men have always blamed things on them. This has been true since the beginning. When Adam got in trouble with God, he immediately blamed Eve. But the problem we have now with all the equal rights hullabaloo is that women no longer stand for it. This is why we have kids.

When I lament not understanding women, most people quickly suggest books on the subject, mostly written by priests or gay guys who are quick with advice since they really do not have female relationship problems. There was that Mars and Venus book that folks suggested I buy, so I went out and bought it. Now I have that book. Even though I did not read it, when the conversation gets dicey on the male/female subject, I find that if I reference it, all debate stops. The reason, and this is just speculation, is that no one else read it either and thus mentioning it will end most conversation on the matter.

Some men who are better BS artists tend to survive longer and make women happier than honest men. They only say glowing and positive things and it is amazing how women keep buying it. They say things like, “My wife and I look at each other today just like we did the first time we saw each other.” My initial reaction to this was, ‘Well, were you both thinking, wow, I really could do better.’

As I have aged, I have become smarter about the things I say to women, as they never forget an insult. I know this after a drink was poured on me at a high school reunion by a woman I had not seen in 20 years.

So I am more careful now. A portly woman of some 100 pounds overweight told me that she was going to start working out. A few years ago I would have said, “Well, you certainly waited to the last minute.” But, I have grown as a male (you women would call it evolved) and instead I said, “Oh come on, you look great and do not need to lose any weight.” You see women are not looking for the truth, so lying is the only way to go. Some call it diplomacy, others self-preservation.



Ron Hart is a southern libertarian humorist who can be reached at: RevRon10@aol.com







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